Alright so yesterday morning I grabbed my coffee, saw this Aries monthly love horoscope for singles thing online. Said something like April’s the time! Romance is sparking! Go find it! and then listed these 4 hot spots. Figured, hey, I’m an Aries, let’s put this cosmic advice to the test, right? Document the whole adventure. Worst case, I get outta the house.
The Plan & Gear Up
First thing, I read the horoscope properly. It claimed active, energetic spots were key for Aries fire signs. Said these were prime spots:
- Local Gyms/Fitness Studios
- Dog Parks
- Community Libraries (?! Okay, weird, but the stars said it)
- New Craft Breweries
Dusted off my slightly tight workout gear (let’s be real, mostly worn for lounging). Charged my phone for pics. Packed my dog’s favorite frisbee. Filled the water bottle. Standard Aries ready-fire-aim approach. Off I went.
Hot Spot #1: The Sweaty Arena (Gym)
Decided to hit the local CrossFit box around noon. Thought it’d be buzzing. Walked in, loud music, couple of people grunting. Mostly folks deeply focused on lifting heavy stuff. Tried looking friendly near the dumbbells. Got zero eye contact except from the sweaty dude gasping on the rower who looked like he wanted to murder the machine. Attempted a Zumba class later. Genuinely thought coordination might spark something. Nope. Tripped over my own feet trying to salsa step. Left foot got tangled with right foot. Spent most of the time facing the wrong way. Cute instructor just laughed and shouted encouragement. Felt more like a toddler learning to walk than a fiery Ram attracting love.
Hot Spot #2: The Barking Bonanza (Dog Park)
Okay, this one felt more promising. Took my goofball Labrador, Max, to the big dog park. Max loves everyone. Figured I’d look approachable holding a leash. Went to the area where people kinda just stand around chatting. Strategy: Throw ball for Max, look available, maybe start a convo about someone else’s dog. Max immediately spotted a mud puddle from yesterday’s rain. Rolled in it like it was heaven. Came out looking like a chocolate lab wanna-be, shook wildly near a woman in white pants. Got her a lovely polka dot pattern. Apologized profusely. She fake smiled, scooped up her tiny poodle, and vanished faster than I could say “dry cleaning”. Most conversations were shouted instructions (“Bella! Drop it!” “Cooper! Stop humping!”) over barking. Zero flirting. Lots of poop bag etiquette discussions.
Hot Spot #3: The Whispering Void (Library)
The horoscope said libraries? Seriously? Seemed weirdly non-Aries, but okay, planets, let’s try it. Went downtown to the main library. Immediately hit the silence. Like, intense “coughing gets death stares” quiet. Tried wandering the non-fiction section looking thoughtful. Mostly found people wearing noise-canceling headphones, intently studying, or older folks reading newspapers. Smiled awkwardly at a guy near the philosophy section. He blinked, looked slightly alarmed, and shuffled deeper into the stacks. Sat down with a book about astrophysics I couldn’t understand. Tried looking mysterious and intelligent. Mostly felt sleepy. Someone shushed someone else nearby. Yeah. Romantic.
Hot Spot #4: The Hoppy Finale (New Brewery)
Right. Last shot. Hit that new brewery that opened near the river. Definitely more lively! Loud music, groups laughing, a cool vibe. Ordered a flight of their IPAs. Sat at the bar hoping for some easy bar chat. Bartender was cool but slammed. Struck up a conversation with the guy next to me about the sour beer. Went pretty well! Until he mentioned his wife twice and showed me a pic of their twins. Cool dude. Zero romance potential. Another guy down the bar tried flexing about his crypto portfolio before I excused myself “to the bathroom” and found a tiny table outside. Drank flat beer alone while watching couples walk past holding hands. The irony stung worse than the overly hoppy ale.
The Verdict
So, the cosmic experiment? Total bust. Maybe my vibes were off. Maybe the stars misplaced their map. Found exactly zero potential romance across all four “hot spots”. Saw one near miss getting a coffee after the brewery, but she was gone before I could decide to say hi.
- Gym: Got clumsiness and sweat.
- Dog Park: Got muddy paws and parenting chats.
- Library: Got shushed and sleepy.
- Brewery: Got great beer… drank alone.
Lesson learned? Maybe trying too hard with a horoscope map ain’t it. Felt like a scavenger hunt for something nobody hid. Or maybe just got unlucky. Either way, documented the fails. Back to swiping apps? Dunno. This single Aries Ram needs a nap first. At least Max got muddy.
