So the other day, I got this wild idea stuck in my head: what if you actually tried to figure out who’d win a straight-up brawl between an Aries horoscope animal – you know, the ram – and all the other zodiac signs represented by their animals? Just for laughs, obviously. Grabbed my notebook and doodled all twelve zodiac animals down the page. Ram, bull, tiger, rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, goat, monkey, rooster, dog, pig.
Setting up the showdown
First thing I did was list out each animal’s traits based on what people usually say about their sign. Wrote things like “Ram: super aggressive, headbutts everything” next to “Bull: stubborn as heck” and “Tiger: scary powerful”. Made columns for strength, speed, smarts, and tricks. Just scribbling real messy in my journal.
Then I started pitting them one-on-one in my head:
- Ram vs Bull: Rams charge first, always. But that thick bull neck? Took a minute, but that bull flung the ram with its horns. Bull won that round.
- Ram vs Tiger: No contest. Tigers are murder machines. Rip and tear. Felt dumb even writing that one down – tiger stomps.
- Ram vs Monkey: This was funny. Monkey dodges all day, climbs trees, throws coconuts. Ram gets dizzy charging at nothing. Monkey tricks win.
The messy office experiment
Tuesday at work, I told Dave from accounting (a Taurus, like the bull) and Sarah in marketing (a Leo lioness) about this little project. Big mistake. Dave puffed up his chest saying “My bull stomps your sheep ANY day!” and Sarah hissed back “LION beats ALL of you alley cats!”.
Chaos erupted:
- Lisa from HR (Virgo goat) yelled that goats outsmart rams on mountains
- Tom in shipping (Scorpio scorpion) muttered poison beats horns
- Boss stormed out shouting “Enough! You’re ALL fired if animal battles happen on company time!”
HR lady pulled me aside later. Sharp look. “This nonsense stops now.” Cold sweat time.
What I learned
Main takeaway? Horoscope animals would murder each other in real life. Rams are hot-headed but overestimate themselves. Tigers, snakes, and dragons? Absolute nightmares. Monkeys and rats win by being sneaky little jerks.
Also learned office folks take zodiac signs WAY too personally. Dave still glares at me coffee machine. And get this – after the blowup, an old coworker texted offering freelance gig. Double my rate. Maybe I should start more office fights?
